Ten fingers

We, Chinese have a saying - Of the ten fingers, some are long and some are short. Hence, the affections for children, our own flesh and blood will naturally be different. Agree?

To begin with, I am not sure if I was ever a favourite with my parents. I mean, there was the first born male, the quiet /obedient sis, the smart -capable bro and the loving- thoughtful bro. And then it's me - the youngest. All of us are different. And all of us were good kids. So, as kids, who did my parents love most? Do you find yourself asking that?

I do remember when I was younger, people were always saying to my parents, "Is this your youngest daughter? Oh, lai lui lai sum gorn [the youngest - your (meaning my parents') heart and spleen]." I reckon the more times I heard it, the more I believed that I was loved in a special way.

But that was when I was 3 feet tall.

As I grew I began to change perspective. Probably out of guilt, I didn't think (or didn't want to think) I was the favourite anymore. Don't get my wrong. I wasn't angsty. I went around saying, "Oh well, of the ten fingers - some are long and some are short. And I am ok being the short one."

It's just not my nature to be wanting to be first or the best. Sinkar calls it moe daiji (no ambition).

Or could it be that I had the liberty to say, "It's ok," because there were no issues, or to put it simply - Could it be, I was actually the favourite, despite being in constant denial state?

You know what I mean? You don't? Ok , some other examples.

- You can say it's ok to be ugly because you are not ugly.

- You can say people don't need breast enhancements because your bra cups are bigger than your fist.

- You can say it's ok to lose only because you have won all the time.

- You can say be yourself because you are not the odd one out.

Hence, for my case - it's ok not to be the favourite because I am the most loved?

Maybe deep down, all along, I already knew. I could be wrong, of course. Or my parents happened to love us all the same (possible?) Whichever it is, I will never know. Not that I need to know because I am ok. I have been ok all my life. I am ok that I have been loved. I don't care about the least or the most. (See? I have a feeling that I was the latter hence the confidence. Makes sense? )

Now that we are parents... do we love our kids the same? Sometimes it's hard to imagine having another child. For me, I mean. Admit it, it's hard to love your kids all the same, right? *point at you --yes you..the one with the football team kids*

*shudders*