The anxiety.. My! My!
It was from me, not him. He was safely tucked in bed as early as 8.30pm. I went online to seek solace. Discussed with Edamame about the silliest things i.e if wearing singlet is too nerdy for a 4 yr old, what kinda hanky designs I got for him, and most importantly, will he know how to pangsai in school?
I think I dozed off after going through the list of things to bring to school for the hundredth time..just in time to wake again.
He sprang out of bed as usual.. put on his handsome attire. But oh dear.. mana itu tie? Not even at school yet, and he lost it already? Disaster! (found it in his bag later on. I put it in the night before. Tee hee!)
We got downstairs to hitch a ride from Ada. One minute to the appointed time, he said, "I think I want to pangsai.." Disaster again! Good thing that he does his thang fast, like me.
Got into school..steady..
Went for assembly..they started the National Anthem.. there were wailing and bawling from the younger children. He was still..steady. A bit confused and uncomfortable..but still steady.
Then the music came on for Senamrobik. That's when he turned around and with quivering lips, said, "Mahmee... I don't like the loud music."
And macam macam lagi. I told him calmly that I can't stay because the supermarket is closing. Haha... Chisin..
He blinked away his tears. And pushed me gently and said in a pitiful voice, "You better go then.."
Wuah.. my hati sakit. And swell with pride that he was trying so hard to be brave.
I didn't go to the supermarket actually. Of course.. cos it wasn't even opened yet. I went and spied on him in the class room through the glass door.
Ah.. there he is. *smile* Oh.. he is dancing the chicken dance. *smile* Ooh... reading aloud. Good good...
And with a heavy heart, I left. Alone. Empty.
..to the supermarket. Walking aimlessly. Feeling a little lonely.
..wondering again and again, "Oh, will he drink water? Aiyo, does he know how to tell teacher if he needs to wee wee? Oh..he better doesn't say 'pangsai', teacher doesn't know what is 'pangsai'... Enough food or not for lunch?"
And that's when I put in fruits, and yogurts and bread, and vegetables and some fish into the cart, deciding to cook POWER BREAKFAST from tomorrow onwards to compensate what's lacking in his lunch package at school.
I went to the toys section also. I usually dread this aisle cos it's so boring. But I went to buy the dinosaur fossils which he so wanted. There was a lady there, choosing some other toys. We smiled at each other.. and I dunno why, I told her, "It's my son's first day of school."
She smiled and awww-ed a little.
It's a bit weird, I know. I should be celebrating my freedom. But, losing my 'shadow' is quite daunting.
When I went to pick him up, he beamed so much that I felt I have never been missed so much by anyone before. He was happy, but confessed that he cried a little. He slapped his forehead and said, "Disaster again!"
Oh, son.. not at all. In fact, it was such a huge success! Your first day of school was a breeze.. You made us proud. Look:
Finally loaded up! I displayed the dinosaurs on his black board to surprise him.
Today is the second day. I didn't even go to school with him. He waved cheerily in Ada's car. I smiled so much that my jaws ached.
Brave and confident and independent - the essence of being a grown -up boy.
You are officially one grown-up boy, son. :)